


do you remember how long we shared with each other?

by svtgrapefruits



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Gyuhao, M/M, a little bit of jeonghan, a little bit of jun, a little bit of wonwoo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-15
Updated: 2017-05-15
Packaged: 2018-11-01 05:18:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10915119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/svtgrapefruits/pseuds/svtgrapefruits
Summary: where kim mingyu and xu minghao try to remember a few things between them that they had, and lost.





	do you remember how long we shared with each other?

**Author's Note:**

> i was inspired by minghao's alone trailer and wrote this throughout a very hazy night so i'm sorry, but i was in the mood for cheesy and angsty drabble so this is what i came up with
> 
> (beware of messiness, i'm so sorry you have to read through this)

_** do you remember how long we shared with each other? ** _

**i. 'gyu.'**

 

the rumbling car engine is the only music that plays from the radio that night. minghao doesn’t like it. one hand fiddles against the fabric of his sweatpants while the other keeps a tight grip onto the steering wheel. he doesn’t want to be there.

 

beside him, mingyu sits with his hands clasped together. his leg shakes, a sign of his distress that minghao is fully aware about. he too, doesn’t say anything. in fact, if mingyu hadn’t gotten pick pocketed at the bar, maybe he wouldn’t have had to be there.

 

the situation is very different compared to the other times they had been in that car. usually, it would feel warmer. they’d take turns listening to each other’s favourite songs and occasionally hold hands against the center armrest of the car. now, the air is colder and the space in between them seems to be able to fit everything in the world.

 

it has been 2 years now since they had been in that car.

 

there are multiple times where the two of them open their mouths to speak, but before they do, the mouths are closed again. it took minghao approximately 32 minutes of driving in circles to pull up to the side of the road; to remove the keys from the ignition; to speak.

 

‘gyu.’ the boy flinches even though minghao didn’t reach out to touch him. his nickname was a toxic reminder of what used to be and what was no longer.

 

it is the first time either of them had properly acknowledged each other since he got into the car; since the last time they saw each other; since two years ago. neither of them expected it to be this painful. neither of them expected it to be all flowers and rainbows either.

 

‘do you remember the first time we met?’ minghao asks when mingyu didn’t respond, keeping his eyes ahead even though the car is no longer moving.

 

‘do you remember the first time we kissed?’ mingyu asks back. minghao’s hands are sweating, even though it is freezing cold.

 

‘do you remember why we fell in love?’ minghao glances over at the korean boy in the car. he silently hopes for mingyu to answer the question but he doesn’t.

 

‘do you remember why we stopped?’ mingyu locks eyes with the chinese boy. half of minghao wants to look away. the other half doesn’t.

 

‘who said i stopped?’ minghao says quietly. ‘gyu, i never-‘

 

‘-then why did you leave?’ mingyu interjects. his voice is loud, but shaky. it is as if he wanted an answer he didn’t want to hear.

 

another period of silence enters the car. it is heart wrenching for minghao, who diverts his eyes to the windshield again. mingyu, on the other hand, starts to ask himself whether the tears in his eyes are due to the shots he drank at the bar or otherwise. his eyes were trained on the driver’s profile. he noticed minghao’s clenched jaw before relaxing his own.

 

both of them were filled with many regrets.

 

**_(mingyu regrets the alcohol, and the phone call that had led up to this conversation. minghao regrets everything else.)_ **

 

**ii. 'do you remember when we first met?'**

 

out of his other regrets, mingyu (sort of) regretted not taking the time to learn mandarin properly before travelling to anshan.

 

‘ _bang? bang!_ ’ he yelled over the countertop of the information counter at the anshan train station. ‘ _bang!_ ’

 

although he slept through a majority of his mandarin lessons with his mandarin tutor, he was certain his tutor had told him that ‘ _bang_ ’ meant help. other than ‘hello’, ‘thank you’ and ‘where is the washroom’, he really didn’t know much else. now, stranded at the train station because he missed the last train to beijing where his flight was waiting for him, a sense of hopelessness spread through his chest like wildfire. it was even worse when the staff on the other side of the glass wall in front of him kept nodding and shrugging.

 

correction: it was even worse when the staff flipped the open sign to closed and pulled down the blinds on the other side.

 

‘please!’ he called in korean. mingyu hit his hands against the glass like a puppy trapped in a cage. ‘i need to get to beijing, help!’

 

‘that’s not going to work,’ a voice replied from behind him. ‘they don’t understand what you’re trying to say.’

 

mingyu turned around instantly and found himself standing face to face with a boy slightly shorter than him, a lot skinnier as well. the boy had his hands in the pockets of his coat that seemed a little too big for his shoulders to bear. mingyu didn’t know who the guy was, but he knew one thing: the boy spoke korean.

 

‘you can speak korean?’ he asked anyway, as if to look for some sort of reassurance.

 

‘i’ve lived in korea for the past 3 years,’ the boy replied. ‘so yes, i can speak.’

 

suddenly, mingyu felt a wave of relief sweep over him. ‘do you know when the next train will come by? i need to get to the city by tomorrow morning.’

 

then, he felt the wave of relief being taken away from him as the boy replied: ‘the next train isn’t until tomorrow morning.’

 

mingyu immediately scampered over to a nearby bench, taking a seat. his leg began shaking, feet fidgeting against the snowy ground. the boy in the oversized coat carefully tagged along behind him, suitcase in hand the same way mingyu had his backpack on his shoulders.

 

‘so i’m stuck here until the morning?’ the reality of the situation slowly dawned on him. he didn’t really have any spare money to spend on renting another night at a hotel.

 

‘yep. you and me, both.’

 

‘you missed the train too?’ mingyu asked, to which the boy nodded. the coincidence was almost comforting for mingyu. at least having a stranger to talk to through the night would be better than sitting at the train station alone. ‘i’m mingyu.’

 

‘minghao.’ the boy smiled, putting out his hand. when mingyu shook it, he realized it was much warmer than his own. ‘and for the record, you said ‘ _bang_ ’ wrongly.’

 

‘huh?’

 

throughout the night, mingyu learnt many things. he learnt that he had said the word with the wrong tone (who knew mandarin had tones?). while he meant to say help, the tone altered it to mean ‘good job’, which thoroughly explained why the staff were so happy and nodded through his pleas.

 

he also learnt that minghao was going back to korea on the same flight as him; that minghao was a university student there before becoming a mandarin tutor and had come back to china to visit his grandmother; that minghao enjoyed dancing in his spare time.

 

the night went by faster than they had anticipated.

 

**_(sometimes, mingyu looks back and realizes that he didn’t regret a thing.)_ **

 

**iii. ‘do you remember when we first kissed?’**

 

out of everything else, minghao remembers how the sweet things can be.

 

post-stranded-at-the-train-station-adventures, the two headed back and kept in contact. how couldn’t have they? it’s not everyday a coincidence like that happened. they hung out more; talked more; did everything a little more; and slowly but surely, things blossomed. (personally, mingyu thought it was quite cliché. minghao, on the other hand, found some sort of love for it.) it wasn’t until one day when the two were laying in mingyu’s room, staring at the ceiling, when the truth finally hit them dead centre in the face.

 

‘my mom used to tell me if you keep eye contact for more than 5 seconds with someone, you’ll get styes on your eye,’ mingyu said as they talked.

 

‘really?’ minghao asked, shifting against mingyu’s blue sheets to get better support under his neck. ‘do you believe it?’

 

‘yeah, sort of,’ mingyu hummed.

 

‘am i worth a sty on your eye?’ minghao added.

 

a period of silence passed before mingyu burst out into laughter. it didn’t take long for minghao to join in. the question was hilarious, and sounded ridiculous to the two of them. in laughter and the weird high that comes with it, the two wrestle each other, which wasn’t uncommon but it was all good fun.

 

ultimately, the mini-wrestling session ended the same way it always did: with mingyu tackling minghao and keeping him down with his own body weight. the laughter slowly subsided. after the two of them caught their breath, mingyu took the time to look at the tired look on minghao’s face.

 

‘i like you,’ minghao blurted out. saying those words made him feel like a 6 year old at a playground, but also made him feel much better.

 

mingyu brushed it off as always with a teasing smile and a pretty pink face, but minghao wasn’t about to let it happen for the 5th time.

 

‘well?’ minghao muttered.

 

‘well what?’

 

‘am i?’ minghao asked again. ‘am i worth it?’

 

as they locked eyes, mingyu realized what was in the weight of minghao’s words. unbeknownst to his conscious, his subconscious began counting down from five.

 

 _five_. minghao’s heart seemed tempted to jump out of his chest, like in those cliché romance movies. he began asking himself whether he truly hated those movies. if he did, he wouldn’t be hoping for the most cliché outcome, right?

 

 _four_. mingyu was quite surprise at the whole fiasco, really. minghao had told him he liked him multiple times, and out of the five, he accurately remembered 3 of them. however, it was really all just friendship, right?

 

 _three_. it then set in. minghao truly did want the most cliché outcome. he wanted solace and relief for himself.

 

 _two_. mingyu wanted solace as well.

 

 _one_. eyes close.

 

and the moment minghao tasted apple juice upon his lips, he realized what they said about the apple on the top of the tree being the sweetest was true. that would explain why mingyu was so tall.

 

**_(minghao had never tasted anything sweeter after.)_ **

 

  **iv.**   **‘do you remember why we fell in love?’**

 

out of his other regrets, minghao (sort of) regretted being a weak-to-emotion sort of person.

 

sometimes, mingyu went on these weird rambling sessions about astrology. he’d talk about constellations, most of the time, citing his dream to become an astrologist as a child as the cause for his fascination.

 

‘my absolute favourite is ophiuchus,’ he said once over the phone to a sleepy minghao. ‘nobody remembers it though, it’s a shame.’

 

it is through conversations like this that minghao learns newer and newer things, like how ophiuchus is the thirteenth zodiac sign; or how the star sign leo has a miniature version of itself called leo minor; or how there are 88 constellations in the sky.

 

though informative phone calls were alright, minghao preferred watching mingyu talk about his interests in person. it almost seemed like his passion could be seen through his eyes as he talked, bursting like tiny fireworks unseen to the naked eye. there are times when the two of them would visit hilltops in minghao’s car, only to lie on blankets on top of dew-coated grass. mingyu would take to time to tell the story of each star as they bask in the vastness of the sky, the fields and the night.

 

since the kiss and onward, neither of them brought it up again. at least not until another one of their late night star-gazing escapades.

 

‘hao- _ah_ ,’ mingyu called, keeping an arm under his head and the other around minghao’s shoulder as they laid on the ground.

 

‘yeah?’ the boy answered.

 

‘what’s your favourite time of day?’

 

‘night time,’ he’d answer for the nth time. ‘everything is sorta quiet and hushed. i like that.’

 

minghao knew mingyu’s answer to the question. he had said it enough times for minghao to remember it clearly, but the boy asked anyway: ‘what about you?’. he anticipated mingyu’s short monologue about how much he loved dusk.

 

‘right now,’ he answered instead. ‘you know those how those romance movies always talk about how some times feel right? this is one of those times, i think.’

 

all that resonated between them was a simple hum from minghao. in the darkness, minghao could feel his own cheeks burning. he didn’t like how that felt. he didn’t like the uncertainty in his head or the feeling of anticipation in his chest. he was afraid.

 

‘have you ever heard of the story ‘the butterfly lovers’?’ minghao said instead.

 

‘nope.’ mingyu shifted slightly, possibly to get a little more comfortable. ‘what is it about?’

 

‘its one of those old chinese love stories,’ minghao explained. ‘my grandma used to tell it to me as a child.’

 

minghao proceeded to tell the story the way his grandma did. he’d go through the details of how the love between the two main characters blossomed and how that love triumphed over everything else in their lives, all the way to the ending where the two lovers turned into butterflies in hopes that they’d never be separated again.

 

as the story ended, mingyu found himself humming in contentment. then, the two returned back to the silence, excluding the crickets and the low hum of the hilltop.

 

‘hao- _ah_ ,’ mingyu called again. ‘have you ever thought about love?’

 

‘yeah. why?’

 

‘does it feel like this? is this how you imagine it feeling like?’

 

‘i don’t know, gyu. do you?’

 

a period of silence, and then a breathy ‘yeah’. it makes minghao smile. for that one moment, uncertainty was the last thing on minghao’s mind.

 

‘then, yes. this is exactly how i think it feels like.’

 

_**(minghao knew it wasn’t the emotions he regrets; he regretted his lack of certainty.)** _

 

**v. ‘do you remember why we stopped?’**

 

out of everything else, mingyu remembers how the bitter things are like.

 

mingyu found enjoyment in train and subway rides. though there were stops and supposed ‘destinations’, the trains just go in endless circles, from point ‘a’ to point ‘b’ and back. thus, there are days where mingyu would jump on the subway with no exact place to go.

 

he’ll always end up getting of at the sixth station from the one nearest to his home no matter what, a year down. standing still waiting for him at the door of the fourth cart would be minghao, eyes and smile bright.

 

‘hello you,’ mingyu cooed as he walked toward his counterpart. ‘i missed you.’

 

‘you just saw me two days ago, though.’ minghao’s arm wrapped itself around mingyu, hand resting on his waist as they walked away from the tracks towards the exit.

 

‘two days is a long time, you know.’

 

‘you’re a dork, you know that?’ and his words brought a bite that didn’t reflect on his pink face. ‘do you remember that time in anshan when you shouted the wrong thing at the-‘

 

‘nope,’ mingyu rested his arm on minghao’s shoulder. ‘so where do you want to go?’

 

they decided to go to the dog park nearby to grab some afternoon ice cream. as they walked, they didn’t talk about much. the mere presence of one another was enough. it only took them a 10 minutes walk from the station. the first thing they saw at their favourite ice cream cart was a sign saying ‘chocolate sold out’.

 

‘maybe we should go to the other cart?’ mingyu offered.

 

‘no, it’s fine.’ minghao turned to the old man owning the cart. ‘2 vanilla cones, please.’

 

‘are you sure?’ mingyu asked as the other boy nodded. ‘you never get vanilla though.’

 

‘trying new things, i guess.’

 

after the two get their ice creams, they found a bench near the lake to sit on and to watch the dogs in the park being walked. it was a favourite pastime for the two dog lovers. they talked about more things, like how cute the dogs were; what they did in the past two days. though it was simple conversation, it lasted for an hour or two. mingyu enjoyed listening to minghao talk about himself and his interests. he liked it when minghao enthused about stories from dance class and the kids he’d have to teach.

 

‘gyu,’ minghao murmured after the last bite of his ice cream cone. ‘would it be stupid if i asked you if you loved me?’

 

‘hmm. yes, because you already know the answer.’

 

‘could you tell me it anyway?’

 

mingyu quickly stuffed the last bit of his food in his mouth before wrapped both of his arms around the boy. a lean in and a kiss on the ear later, he took the time to whisper the words a few times to the already blushing minghao. he didn’t mind doing it over and over again at all.

 

‘are you okay, hao?’ mingyu finally asked. the question had lingered in his head for quite some time from the station but he hadn’t bothered to ask it. ‘do you want to talk about it?’

 

‘no, it’s nothing.’ a smile was thrown in mingyu’s direction. ‘i think i’m just tired. i didn’t get much sleep.’

 

‘do you want me to call a cab for you? i could get back to the station myself.’

 

‘no. i wanna walk you back,’ minghao insisted.

 

and so, they walked together back to the station. mingyu asked him a few more times along the way but his answer was always the same resistive and insistent one. they waited for the subway and when it came, mingyu left minghao with a quick kiss before making his way onto the cart.

 

once on the cart, mingyu and minghao both knew that they had approximately 10 seconds before the doors closed again.

 

‘be careful, okay?’ minghao said as he always did.

 

‘i’ll see you tomorrow.’ as the doors began to close, mingyu added an ‘i love you’.

 

mingyu left the station with a smile on his face. the next day, he went back to the same station around the same time, getting off at the same door from the same cart. only this time, minghao wasn’t there. instead, his roommate – junhui - stood at his exact spot from yesterday.

 

a box was held in his hands, filled to the brim with things mingyu recognized, all of which belonged to the absent boy.

 

‘jun?’ mingyu questioned. ‘why are you here?’

 

‘ _xiao hao_ told me last night to bring this to you today.’ mingyu took a closer glance at the contents in the box. some were gifts that mingyu had given him on special occasions, others were photo albums and scrapbooks.

 

‘where is he?’

 

‘didn’t he tell you?’ jun said softly. ‘he left for china last night. he’s not coming back.’

 

**_(mingyu desperately wanted to ignore the bitterness in his mouth.)_ **

 

  **vi.**   **‘who said i stopped?’**

jun took the time to explain the situation to a distressed mingyu. it was fairly simple: minghao had said that he had to go back to china no matter what. he hinted that it was because of his grandmother, but nothing else.

 

at first, mingyu didn’t believe jun. he took the box of things and left with a quiet thank you. at home, he called minghao’s korean cellphone, only to an empty dialtone in response. he also called minghao’s chinese cellphone, again to no avail. the way he disappeared made it seem as if minghao was a figure who never truly existed.

 

from countless phone calls to emails to letters, mingyu faced more dialtones, error messages and returned envelopes. at some point, he took the time to fly over to anshan himself. it wasn’t just heartache that drove him there. it was also the dire need for an answer to his many questions. yet, though he tried the hardest a human may try, minghao was nowhere to be found and the lack of a proper address proved it even bigger of a challenge.

 

he found himself drinking a little more with his old university mates at bars that – while weren’t necessarily dingy – were unfamiliar. he didn’t do it to get drunk. he did it to get out of his house so he wouldn’t have to look through the box of things jun left him with.

 

‘you need to move on, mingyu. this isn’t healthy,’ jeonghan had said on one of those drinking-escapade-type-of-nights.

 

‘jeonghan’s right, you know?’ wonwoo added. ‘you’ve tried your best. i’m sure he wouldn’t have wanted to see you like this.’

 

at some point, mingyu gave up on his efforts and invested his time into other things like tubs of ice cream or endless subway trips in order to drown himself out. slowly, but surely, the amount of ice cream dependency dropped and the subway trips weren’t that endless at all.

 

on one of the better days when mingyu felt like he could function, he looked through the box and filtered through the scrapbooks and the gifts. it took him an entire day, with jeonghan and wonwoo’s help of course, but most of the boxes contents were then stored in the back of mingyu’s storage room. mingyu chose to keep only one printed picture from their star gazing nights and the letter at the base of the box to himself.

 

the letter didn’t say much; just a simple but short ‘i’m sorry’ from the missing man.

 

neither of them fully moved on; only enough to live their daily lives like normal average human beings. that’s not to say that mingyu didn’t have nights where he’d think about what they could’ve been doing or where they could’ve gone. occasionally, mingyu would even send unanswered calls over to minghao’s two numbers.

 

then, more stuff was let go. phone numbers were deleted (even though mingyu had memorized them, he thought it was nice to do for his own sake). letters stopped being sent out. mingyu never quite forgot his love for dusk, or subway rides, or dog parks, or the stars.

 

they just had newer meanings now.

 

_**(mingyu still waits on the fourth cart and sometimes gets off at the sixth station.)** _

 

**vii. ‘hao.’**

 

‘i was afraid,’ a voice breaks through the silence. ‘i was afraid of what i was feeling and i didn’t know how to cope with all of it.’

 

minghao’s hands fiddle more vigorously against the steering wheel as he spoke. he had rehearsed this in his head for two years now, without any hope as to it happening for real. now, he felt ashamed.

 

‘i was uncertain and afraid and stupid and so all i thought of to do was to run away from everything,’ he added, his voice getting quieter and quieter. ‘so, i went back to liaoning to my grandmother. she was the only one i thought of running to.’

 

mingyu continued to look down at his lap, hands swiping at his face. when minghao didn’t hear an answer or acknowledgement from his passenger, he took it as a sign to talk more.

 

‘the last time we went to that dog park, the way you said how much you loved me made me scared. i was happy, sure, but the way you said it meant if i ever brought up the fear, it’d break you. after a year or so, i wanted to come back. i really did but-‘ mingyu seemed to look up a little at this point, leg still shaking. ‘-i didn’t want you to find me. i didn’t want to see you after doing all this to you because i was ashamed and i knew it broke you a lot. i didn’t want that. i didn’t want to break you.’

 

he stopped for another second before continuing. ‘but i did, didn’t i? if you didn’t call me tonight, i probably would’ve hid away for the rest of my life and i don’t want that, gyu. whatever you felt, i felt too. i never stopped. i left and i was stupid but i never stopped.’

 

mingyu didn’t flinch at his nickname this time. minghao stopped talking for a while. though he had rehearsed this so many times just in case it were to happen, the real deal was much tougher and he wasn’t ready. he felt weak. then, as mingyu began sobbing, minghao did the same. they felt a little more connected in that sense. it was as if the two years on their shoulders fell over in a split second.

 

he thought of what it would’ve been like if he hadn’t decided to pick up mingyu’s call and drive over to pick him up. mingyu, on the other hand, was quite overwhelmed. he finally got answers to some of the questions he had for years.

 

they stayed like that for a while, in total breakdown and vulnerability. the sobbing stopped after a couple of minutes. it wasn’t the type of sobbing you’d associate with sadness, more rather relief.

 

‘could you do me a favor, hao?’ minghao’s head instantly jerked upwards when he heard the old nickname.

 

‘for you, anything.’

 

‘could you send me to the nearest subway station?’

 

and so without a question and with the rumble of the ignition, he did as he was told. though he didn’t drive to the sixth station from mingyu’s place, he drove to the eighth (the one closest to minghao’s car and also minghao’s new apartment). once they had reached the entrance of the quiet station, mingyu took a quick glance at the watch on his wrist.

 

he knew the last train of the night would arrive soon.

 

‘could you get me a ticket?’ mingyu said quietly. ‘my wallet was in my bag.’

 

the two got off the car and walked into the station. it was significantly different from station six. it looked newer and brighter.

 

mingyu waited near the gates, as he did the last time, while minghao went to buy the ticket mingyu had requested for. he could’ve bought just one for his guest. instead, he bought two. he wanted to walk him right up the train like they used to. he felt like it was the least he could do.

 

after minghao handed mingyu the ticket, he paced forward to the entry gates only to be held back by his arm. he was surprised at the contact but stopped moving, turning back to questioningly glance at the boy.

 

‘after we walk past these gates,-‘ mingyu announced. ‘-can we go back to the last time we saw each other?’

 

‘the last time?’

 

‘just for tonight.’

 

without hesitation, minghao answered with a simple ‘okay’.

 

the two take turns scanning their subway ticket to get past the gates. as soon as the two of them were on the other side, mingyu wrapped his arm around minghao’s, just as they did the last time. with a quick glance, minghao realized mingyu’s eyes were red, cheeks puffy.

 

without a word, they walked towards the platform heading in the direction of mingyu’s house. a bright sign above the tracks showed just 30 seconds until the next subway train arrived. they stood side by side facing the door that would lead to the fourth cart of the oncoming train.

 

‘thank you,’ mingyu hummed quietly. ‘for everything.’

 

‘i’m sorry,’ minghao said instead. ‘for everything.’

 

before they knew it, the subway train was already pulling up towards the station. mingyu unlooped his arm from minghao’s, before muttering a phrase for him to hear. it was said in a way that would sound sad to others, but grateful to minghao. after the subway had stopped and the doors opened to the carts, mingyu stepped onto the fourth cart and turned back to face the boy that had left him haywire for two years. a tiny part inside his head told him he still loved the boy in the oversized coat, even now, and that he missed him dearly.

 

with ten seconds on the clock, minghao started off the dialogue they had always had.

 

‘be careful, okay?’

 

‘i’ll see you tomorrow,’ mingyu said in return, not for the dialogue but because he meant it. minghao knew he did.

 

as it reached the time for the doors to closed, mingyu didn’t say his routinely ‘i love you’. instead, he let his eyes fall closed, said a silent prayer, and waited for the response to the phrase he had said for minghao to hear.

 

he could’ve sworn he broke again at the loud voice screaming the ‘i love you too’ he had always wanted to hear.

 

**_(he broke in a good way.)_ **

 

**_end._ **


End file.
